My second birthday is soon, and while it is just another day for me, I can tell something is wrong. You are crying a bit more, feeling tense. I noticed. It is why I keep showing you my toys and nursing, because if these things make me happy, they should make you happy, too.
But it isn’t working, so how about I tell you about when I met you?
As you know, the days leading up to our meeting were kinda crazy. It didn’t seem like things were going your way, huh? You were trying to turn me around even though I was pretty comfy with my head closer to your heart, and you kept mentioning high blood pressure. You sang to me, talked to me, tried to remain calm, but I could tell you were anything but calm. Why were you so upset? I know you were sick but I was fine!
Then, you got really worried one day. I could feel your panic and fear. I wanted to tell you I would be ok, but it was impossible. You had no way of knowing what would happen to me if I came to you so soon, so early. But, I could feel your love. You said you loved me no matter what happened. I really wanted to meet you, then! My little home inside started to change and contractions started.
The morning we met was hard. We got stuffed full of medicines and fluid. Some hands took me out of you through a huge hole in your belly and then held me close to your face. Daddy was there, too! You kept saying “He’s so beautiful. Look what we did. He’s so beautiful.” The nurse asked if you wanted to hold me and you said no. I understand. I wouldn’t have wanted to let go, either. I was just happy to hear your voice and smell you.
We parted ways for a while so people could make sure I was in good shape, and so the hole they made in you could be fixed.
When I came back, you had just woken up. It must have been really hard work to make me! There was only one thing we wanted to do. You held me close, my little mouth found that special place near your heart and I suckled. Oh, mama, you say you don’t really remember that moment, but it is etched in my heart. You were warm and soft. Your happiness and wonder and awe flooded me.
All through that day, daddy picked me up to clean me while you watched, still a little broken. Daddy held me, talked to me, watched me while you and I slept. I cried often to remind you that I was still there and needed your love. And your love was always ready.
I know these past two years haven’t been easy for both of us. I know you cry because you feel like you let me down. I know you cry because that day was so scary and you have forgotten most of it. I know you cry because your hormones made it hard to love it all. I understand.
Remember the other day, we were nursing and you asked me if I had good sleep, good dreams? Do you remember what I did? I signed “I love you” on my own. Do you remember how it felt to see my sign?
Mama, it’s what I’ve been trying to say since the first day we met.
I love you and I am lucky you are in my life.